you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
