My underwear smells like fireworks.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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