Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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