2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
