He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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