I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
