shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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