You just made me feel so damn special
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
