i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
