im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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