and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
