hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
