I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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