my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Floor bacon is actually really good
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
