Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
