I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wish you could order shots online.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
