He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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