Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
