dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
