rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
