Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Is it penis luge time yet?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
