It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
