In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I had your ass I would rule the world
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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