the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
