Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
