Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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