You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
