tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
