I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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