Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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