She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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