I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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