Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
