What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
