first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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