We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
