I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
