you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
