it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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