Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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