I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I could have mohawked her pubes.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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