I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I wish there were birth control emojis
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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