she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
