I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
