Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
