why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
