Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
