Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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