Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
