i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
