Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
