____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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