If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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