Can i not drive my cunt home
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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