So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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